I am Where I am

I will say goodbye to 2018 with mixed emotions.

I can't say it was a great year. I lost my job. It's terrifying no matter what you are or how old you are. To be dumped suddenly, without warning or compassion is jarring at the very least. I recovered from the shock and sent out resumes. I thought, the economy is good; there's got to be something for me. 

Well, there was plenty out there--and still is. Problem: nothing fit. Nothing full time, adequate pay or  of commutable distance. 

In order to grab some gainful employment, I applied for a substitute teaching position. The training program was intensive. I've never worked so hard to for a position with such low compensation and such high expectations.

I landed in a multi-disability class with autistic and intellectually disabled children under the age of 10. Nothing I had ever done before (even working in a trauma unit) prepared me. And yet I love it.

I never thought I would be in a place where words mean nothing. The kids can't verbalize their needs or frustrations. They'll scream, cry, kick and bite. As a writer, I felt that it was not for me. I can't even help them say, let alone, write their names.

These kids may never say, I love you mommy or paint a vase for Mother's Day. They may never tell their dad that he's the greatest or make a clay thumb bowl for his paper clips. 

Why am I here?

I am here because I've needed to be taught the value of words. I see the struggle to make sounds of a simple word like "yes" or "no" so the teacher or aide can see what's inside the minds of the students. Before, I took words for granted. Writing was just a thing I did. I wrote articles, blogs, even books but now I truly see the value of each syllable, each sound. They have meaning. They are essential to communication as food is to life.

So if you are a writer and you doubt your words or writing, please end the doubt now! I promise you, there are parents who would give their eye teeth to hear or see words--any words--come out of their child's mouth. Every word matters.